I’ve been trying to ignore it, pretending it isn’t happening and everything is fine. But it isn’t and I can’t ignore it anymore. My mood has been dropping, admittedly for quite some time now, and I was hoping it would just go away on it’s own. You’d think I’d have learnt by now that that’s not how this works.
I have no motivation for anything. I had a list of things to do
yesterday the day before (it’s taken a couple of days to write this post in between watching You Tube and thinking I should sweep up the seed that my birds have flicked on the floor) and I only managed one thing – the washing – because we were all getting pretty desperate for clean clothes. I had been sending my youngest to bed in trackie pants and a jumper for the last couple of nights because he had no clean pyjamas left. I achieved nothing else, but I guess having clean clothes to wear is a start.
I don’t know if this is the cause or the effect of depression, bit like the chicken and the egg, but right now, every day feels the same. Every day bleeds into the next and nothing ever changes. I’m losing time, barely know what day it is and have no focus. It’s like a big abyss of nothingness. Like I’m just sitting here watching the movie of my life and none of this is even real.
My short term memory is terrible. If I don’t write something down as soon as I think of it the thought completely falls out my head. This frustrates me to no end. I can’t even get distracted by the smallest task without brain leakage.
I started going back to CMH a couple of weeks ago in the hope that might help but I don’t know if it is. The new girl, although she’s not really ‘new’ anymore, is still difficult to talk to. I’m giving it another chance but I’m not very hopeful. It’s not really her fault. I just have difficulty relating to her and knowing how to talk to her. I was meant to have an appointment today but when I went there, she wasn’t there. If I had answered my phone yesterday when she rang I would have known this but, you know, phone stuff and whatnot. I don’t answer unknown numbers and I couldn’t return her call after she left a message. Anyway, trying again tomorrow.
They say the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one. So I’m here, no longer ignoring this, admitting that this is starting to become problematic, and doing my best to fix it.
I have something special planned for my lovely readers in just over two weeks so aiming to have my shit sorted by then. Well try anyway. At the moment it’s something that’s keeping me going because I’m really excited about it. Watch this space.