Another missed call. Or should I say another ignored call. My new case manager ‘S’ from CHM keeps calling me and every time it rings it comes up with ‘unknown number’ so naturally I ignore it. But she always leaves a message and most times I would respond. Not necessarily by calling back but I’d go in and see her in person. Not this time, or the other three times she’s called over the last three weeks.
Things haven’t been going well with her. We haven’t clicked and I find it incredibly difficult to talk with her. It just isn’t working and everyone’s time is being wasted. I think there are multiple reasons for this.
The biggest reason though is her age. She’s probably in her mid twenties, significantly younger than me. I’ve never really gotten on well with people my own age or younger. When I was a teenager, my closest friend was eight years older than me. We are still friends today. Another close friend I have is over fifteen years older than me. Even my husband is ten years older than me. I’ve just always gotten on better with people who are older. I know this shouldn’t matter when I’m working with ‘S’ in a professional setting, but it does. Due to her age I feel she has a lack of experience. I’m not talking educational or work experience, but life experience. How can she help when she doesn’t understand? When she hasn’t experienced what it’s like to be a spouse or a mother? She can’t understand.
I’ve been to probably five or six appointments with ‘S’ and things weren’t getting better. We never get through the full appointment time because I don’t know what to say and it seems like neither does she. I leave feeling disheartened and disappointed. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to keep doing this. I tried.
So instead of doing what I know is the right thing and actually telling her this isn’t working, I’ve just been avoiding her altogether, not showing up for appointments and dodging phone calls. The honest reason I’ve responded this way? I’m scared. I don’t know how to tell her. I don’t want to upset her or anyone else. I don’t like confrontation even though I know the reality is it’s probably not going to be that bad. I don’t know what alternatives there are if I don’t see her. So I’m sticking my head in the sand and pretending it isn’t happening.